Sunday, March 4, 2007

Be a Magnet, not a Ham--or a Sleeping Pill

Research in how readers read points to this "fact": most readers will decide whether to keep reading you, or quit, by the end of your fifteenth line.

So if you want them to read to the end, you'd better have a good beginning.

Young writers often make this mistake: they think the best way to win the reader is to be, well....a ham. A million exclamation points!!!!!! A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS!!!! BLOOD, EXPLOSIONS, and LOTS OF ONOMATOPOEIAS!!!!! A hyperbolic example of habits you might decide to avoid:
BANG!!! Went the gun. AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! screamed the victims!!!!
If the example of above shows the extreme of trying too hard, the other extreme is not to try at all. *Yawn* An example:
This story begins when Liz goes to school for the first time. Liz is a tenth grader who is very unhappy. She hates school. She hates everything she has to study. Today is Monday, and Liz is going to school.
If these are the extremes to avoid, then what, exactly, are the kinds of openings that you want to aim for?

That's a hard question to answer--as in sports, there are a million good "moves" to choose from. I don't know about Mr. Watson and Mrs. Davis, but my best advice is this: when you choose your "move," choose with a smart reader in your mind. Smart readers will be able to understand the subtle things you're experimenting with. You don't have to explain yourself to them. Just do it.

So take a few minutes for this warm-up, and follow these steps:
  1. Solo: Take 10 minutes to think of your story's opening so far. If you like it, keep it--but maybe improve it a bit. If you don't like it? Relax, step back, and decide on a new move to try. Write a sketch of it.
  2. Click "comment" below, and copy and paste your old intro, and the new one you just decided to try out, into the comment box. Leave your first name last initial so others can talk to you about what you did.

56 comments:

Chaiboy said...

Intro for Draft One:

Edit This Page
It was the first day of school in fifth grade. One boy walked reluctantly into one classroom, and sat down. He was not looking confident at all as he looked around the room. There were twenty other students, all staring. Everything was silent. Lunch came more quickly than expected. As we all sat together, two groups formed. With at least 10 Koreans, it was only normal for all the Koreans to stick together in one group. A huge gap. One group of Koreans and one group of other cultures.

Intro for Draft Three:

It was 9:00 AM. Time for school. John trudged up the stairs to the second floor and reluctantly walked into the classroom. He quickly sat down to avoid being stared at and just waited nervously for the teacher to enter. The first day in a new school was obviously never fun. Glancing around the room, John was a bit surprised. Why he had never in his life seen so many Koreans (or at least they looked like Koreans) in his life. Knowing that made him feel less uncomfortable, and he assured himself that nothing was going to be bad.

Chaiboy said...

Above was Chai Young L

Anonymous said...

Intro for Draft One:

I was eleven years old, an I love to play baseball. An are little league team was amazing. Are team made it to the all stars including about forty other teams. The first three games we were undefeated, but the fourth game we barely lost by i think one point.....

As you can tell I didn't have that much of a intro for my first draft.

Intro for Draft Three:

It was a nice summer day last year, me and my dad decided to go outside and get our mitts and toss a baseball. We were throwing for quite a while, as we were throwing it made me think of all of the great times and memories I had of me playing baseball, but one particularly. As my dad tossed me the ball I stopped and asked him if he could remember the All Stars back when I was eleven. He replied, Of course, how could I forget, its to bad you guys lost it, but it showed that you guys stuck together and always showed great sportsmanship. As he said those words it made me think in more details what had happened.

Kelly r

Anonymous said...

AmyK
Before
This is a story about a family that had no rights to be sad but to torture oneself; however my grandmother started this with how it was like back then.
Back in the 1940s…:

Noble
Commoner
Servants
L.o.w.e.r-c.l.a.s.s

After-
This story is about a family that had no rights to do anything when they were sad. My grandmother started the story with how it was like back then.
Back in the 1940s…:

Noble
Commoner
Servants
L.o.w.e.r-c.l.a.s.s

Unknown said...

1st Draft

There is an old man standing on one side of the bridge; just staring at the bridge. For he is too scared of crossing the bridge.

He wakes up and washes up. He can’t shower, for he can’t afford enough money. He wears the same clothes that he has been wearing for the past few weeks. He starts to get tired again. He goes back to bed, back to he’s own world; him, to the place of candies, ice cream as trees, and a great, big chocolate river. He starts to run to the chocolate river and…

Everything is practically the same. Except the first sentence. I took it out because the readers didn't understand why it was there. I tried to do one of the 'arabian nights' style tricks, but I guess it didnt work..

3rd Draft

He wakes up and washes his face. He can’t shower, for he can’t afford enough money. He wears the same clothes that he has been wearing for the past three days. He starts to get sleepy. He goes back to bed, back to his own dream world; him, to the place of candies, ice cream as trees, and a great, big chocolate river. The place where he wants to be. A place that makes him happy. He starts to run to the chocolate river and…

“Jacob! Get ready for school!” He is Jacob.

Won Seok's Blog said...

WonseokC

before
His mother said with a depressed voice, “He was so healthy; he could run ten miles a day; He loved playing soccer; he loved being active.”
The sound of water splashing on top of a dark umbrella during the black Sunday made Eric cry. Eric felt guilty and strangely relieved at the same time.

after
His mother said with a depressed voice, “He could run ten miles a day”
The sound of water splashing on top of a dark umbrella during the black Sunday made Eric cry; Eric felt guilty and strangely relieved.

Anonymous said...

ShinheeL :But.. I like my introduction!!

OLD :
I poked the earings I got for my birthday last year and stared at the mirror whispering "Gorgeous ! " to myself.
I straightened my hair, put some mascara on and slide my lips together once or twice. I opened my closet slimmed through all the clothes and slimmed through all the clothes until I found a top glowing from the dark.
'Oh! forgot about this one ! ' thought I, Dad got this for me from Hollland for his business trip. He always has something inside for me in his lugage from his business trip. I remember when I was 5, he bought one whole lugage of head pins, lolly pops and dolls from America.
With the top and my new miniskirt on, I glanced at the mirror, swifting my bang to the side and told myself that I look beautiful once again and stepped out of the door. I stepped in to the living room, expecting dad to tell me that I look like a Barbie doll.

NEW:
'I hope dad won't notice my fake-earings and my mascara!' whispered I, to the beautiful girl inside the mirror.
I clipped the earings I got for my birthday last year and stared at the mirror whispering "Gorgeous ! " to myself.
I straightened my hair, put some mascara on and slide my lips back and forth. I opened my closet slimmed through all the clothes until I found a top, glowing from the dark.
'Oh! forgot about this one ! ' thought I, Dad got this for me from Hollland from his business trip. He always has something inside his lugage for me, from his business trips. I remember when I was 5, he bought one whole lugage of head pins, lolly pops and dolls from America.
With the top and my new miniskirt on, I glanced at the mirror, swifting my bang to the side and told myself that I look beautiful once again and stepped out of the door. I stepped into the living room, expecting dad to tell me that I look like a Barbie doll.

Anonymous said...

IrisR.

First draft:
If you have a better face feature than before, what would you feel like? This is a story about a girl who got plastic surgery when she was about 7th grade. She was really funny and was popular. But she always hated and worried about her ugly face. Even though, her family and her friend said nothing about her face, she always didn’t like her face. Her most hated part of her face was eyes with no double-edged eyelid, flat nose, and her big face.


Third draft:
“Okay! So, if you put 2.5mm silicon in your nose and make really thin double eyelids so you can look really natural. You’ll look pretty enough.”

Would you mind if you have an ugly face? What would you feel like if your face became prettier? A girl named Se-un was so upset with her face she always hated her ugly appearance.

Anonymous said...

3rd Draft Intro:
There once lived a man named Gwan See who was very poor. He was single and had nothing to live for except being a filthy slob but determined garbage man. On no particular day with no special thing about it, Gwan ran into a hurrying thief. He seemed as if he was being chased. The thief cried “Here, take this!” and shoved a bag of money into Gwan’s hand. After that, he never saw him again. By this stroke of luck, Gwan decided what to do. Buy a grand dinner? Buy a good house? Get married? There were so many possibilities but he came down with one decision. He went to the bank and put it in his savings bank so he could get more money. Gwan waited and waited in silent peace until he could wait no more.

New Intro:
In the old town of Gyong Ju, there was a man who was winking in the depths of poverty. He was single and had nothing to live for but he prayed nightly that God would bring him new hope and give him a second chance. Not long after he prayed his most sincere prayer, God answered. The day after his heart-warming prayer, Gwan was strolling down the streets of the market to see what he would have for supper that evening. Just then, there were screams of fear and shouts of anger. He looked at all the commotion and saw that a little boy about 14 was running down the slope in a hill at top speed. Gwan ran into a hurrying boy. He seemed as if he was being chased. The boy cried “Here, take this!” and shoved a bag of money into Gwan's hand. Alarmed by all the people staring at him, he too ran at top speed toward his house. When he arrived, he opened the bag and gasped in wonder. If he was a few years older, he would've fainted on the spot because of the shock. The bag was filled with a horde of money! Squealing with delight, he paced around his house decided what to do. Buy a luxurious dinner? A good house? Possibly get married? He played with the money in his hands while frustrated on what to do. He finally decided that he would go down to the back the next day, put it in a savings bank and open it again in a year. This would help him receive more money if he was patient. So he went to the bank and followed his plan. Gwan waited and waited in calm peace until the time finally came.

Anonymous said...

The above was done by Jin Soo C

Anonymous said...

Clara K.

my old intro:
"Mom, I told you! I'm not going to this camp! NEVER! So don't even dare to force me to go to that camp thing." Clara screamed at her mom.
"Clara, you must go to this camp whether you like it or not. This is a chance to make friends and to improve your English skills. Come on, Clara! Even though you whine like that, mom is making you go to the camp no matter what! Alright? Just listen to me!" Mom said.
"Oh my god. Then alright. This is the last camp I'm going to, Okay? I'm really going to hate you!!!!" said Clara.

Clara and her mom were fighting over about Clara going to the camp that is supervised by this organization called, YMCA. Oh yeah, you don't know who she is yet. Clara was a 10 year-old girl and she was very shy but yet she was very active—only with people she knew. Most importantly, she was a Korean. Since her mom thought that Clara should learn English to survive in this world, Clara has been attending to institutes and having English tutors for years. (Korean moms are always like that.) She had been struggling with her mom for such a long time. She didn't want to go to the camp because she didn't know how to speak English (well, she did know how to speak it, but not fluently). Even though she had been attending to institutes for such a long time, since she didn’t really want to learn English, it was hard for her to learn English. However, since her mom wanted her to go the camp so much, she unwillingly decided to join her mom.


New intro:
"Mom, I told you! I'm not going to this camp! NEVER! So don't even dare to force me to go to that camp thing." Clara screamed at her mom.
"Clara, you must go to this camp whether you like it or not. This is a chance to make friends and to improve your English skills. Come on, Clara! Even though you whine like that, mom is making you go to the camp no matter what! Alright? Just listen to me!" Mom said.
"Oh my god. WHy are Korean moms so desperate about making their children learn English? You don't know how it feels. Of course, you don't." Clara said sarcastically.
"Um, Clara, excuse me? What did you just say?" Mom said with a little bit of anger mixed in her voice.
"Never mind, just forget it. But I'm still not going to the camp." said Clara.
"..........." Mom stared at Clara for a few seconds.
"...Alright, fine. But this will be the first but the last camp! Promise!" said Clara.
" I Promise." Mom said with a smile.

You could almost see the invisible punches and kicks that went between Clara and her mom. Oh yeah, you don't know who she is yet. Clara was a 10 year-old girl and she was very shy but yet she was very active—only with people she knew. Most importantly, she was a Korean. Since her mom thought that Clara should learn English to survive in this world, Clara has been attending to institutes and having English tutors for years. (Korean moms are always like that.) She didn't want to go to the camp because she didn't know how to speak English (well, she did know how to speak it, but not fluently). Even though she had been attending to institutes for such a long time, since she didn’t really want to learn English, it was hard for her to learn English. However, since her mom wanted her to go the camp so much, she unwillingly decided to join her mom.


Comments:
I thought that even though my story starts with a dialogue, I felt like I had to show something more. So I took some sentences and phrases out from the second paragraph, and extended the conversation.

Anonymous said...

Before

“It felt as if God send down the angels to me…”
I had to leave. God was calling for me to surrender. No matter what, I had to surrender it—-all.


After

"It felt as if God send down the angels to me..."
I had to leave. The clock was ticking. Waiting for me to be welcomed to the world of happiness. Every second, every minute, every movement, God was calling for me to surrender. No matter what, I had to surrender it--all.

anna

Anonymous said...

SunH

Old intro
The beautiful young girl was only 15 years old.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She was only 15 years old, when she was marrying a young man.

She had long black hair with straight hairline, white skin and red chubby cheek which made her a typical Korean girl. She was beautiful. Her family was rich and she even had her own maid. The storeroom of her house was always full of bags of rice. She lived in a big Ka-ock* and they even had Sa-rang-bang* and byul-chae* that most of people don't have in their house.

New intro
The beautiful young girl was only 15 years old.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She was only 15 years old, when she was marrying a young man. When we are busy doing our homework and tutors nowadays, she was taking care of her husband and was making dinner at that time period.

Anonymous said...

Steven N

Before

Being the eldest child in a family with nine kids and no dad was not an easy task. She had to take care of her eight younger siblings, while her mom was busy selling clothes. Her dad died couple years ago, when he was trying to save his friend from drowning (Ah, but that's another story). So things went rough. And the fact that it was during the Korean War made the girl's family suffer more. Almost every families in the girl's village was able to move to Seoul for a better protection against the war. It wasn't safe for anyone to wander outside; there were gun-shots everywhere and soldiers definately did not hesitated to shoot anyone.

After

We live in a world of disaster. A disaster that is impossible to get rid of. A permanent disaster that brings people into misery a pain. The disaster is....


called war.

Being the eldest child in a family with nine kids and no dad was not an easy task. She had to take care of her eight younger siblings, while her mom was busy selling clothes. Her dad died couple years ago, when he was trying to save his friend from drowning (Ah, but that's another story). So things went rough. And the fact that it was during the Korean War made the girl's family suffer more. Almost every families in the girl's village was able to move to Seoul for a better protection against the war. It wasn't safe for anyone to wander outside; there were gun-shots everywhere and soldiers definately did not hesitated to shoot anyone.

Kyong Min said...

The first draft ~

The story started off with a girl in a county side…
She was neither a farm girl nor a city girl. She was from a city called Dae Jeon, which was two hour drive away from Seoul. The girl’s name was Ye Seul. She lived with her parents with her older sister. She was a happy little girl.


Third Draft ~

The story is about a girl name Ye Sue. She is 7 years old who is about 130 cm tall, with long black hair that would cover up her shoulder and come down half way her back. She is a Korean girl who lives in Kazakhstan with her two sisters – one older and one younger – who look very different from her and her parents.


By: Kyong Min ^.^

Anonymous said...

Walking down the street she saw many people out selling things like noodles, dumplings, blankets, shoes, etc. But one thing had caught her eye; it was yut, Korean traditional taffy. It smelled so delicious; you can actually smell the sugar melting. Not only were they selling yut, they were also selling traditional cookies. She can see the cookies were very fresh and had just been made. Imagining herself eating it, she reached into her pockets and found just enough money to buy only one of the delicates. It was a hard and I mean a very hard decision. She looked back and forth from the yut to the cookies trying to make up her mind. Finally coming to a decision of buying the yut she opened her mouth to tell the man but all that came out was a weird crow…a crow?! She slowly opened her eyes to see the ceiling of the room that her 3 younger sisters were sharing. It was disappointing that it was only a dream. Slowly getting up she opened her rice papered door to be greeted by the warm air of summer. Remembering that today was a very special day she quickly got some new clothes and a towel. Being careful not to step on her sisters she opened the door and ran out to where the river was. Taking a quick refreshing shower, she made her way back home.

Anonymous said...

Lydia K

Before:Walking down the street she saw many people out selling things like noodles, dumplings, blankets, shoes, etc. But one thing had caught her eye; it was yut, Korean traditional taffy. It smelled so delicious; you can actually smell the sugar melting. Not only were they selling yut, they were also selling traditional cookies. She reached into her pockets and found just enough money to buy only one of the delicates. It was a hard and I mean a very hard decision. She looked back and forth from the yut to the cookies trying to make up her mind. Finally coming to a decision of buying the yut she opened her mouth to tell the man but all that came out was a weird crow…a crow?! She slowly opened her eyes to see the ceiling of the room that her 3 younger sisters were sharing. It was disappointing that it was only a dream. Slowly getting up she opened her rice papered door to be greeted by the warm air of summer. Remembering that today was a very special day she quickly got some new clothes and a towel. Being careful not to step on her sisters she opened the door and ran out to where the river was. Taking a quick refreshing shower, she made her way back home.


After:Walking down the street she saw many people out selling things like noodles, dumplings, blankets, shoes, etc. But one thing had caught her eye; it was yut, Korean traditional taffy. It smelled so delicious; you can actually smell the sugar melting. Not only were they selling yut, they were also selling traditional cookies. She can see the cookies were very fresh and had just been made. Imagining herself eating it, she reached into her pockets and found just enough money to buy only one of the delicates. It was a hard and I mean a very hard decision. She looked back and forth from the yut to the cookies trying to make up her mind. Finally coming to a decision of buying the yut she opened her mouth to tell the man but all that came out was a weird crow…a crow?! She slowly opened her eyes to see the ceiling of the room that her 3 younger sisters were sharing. It was disappointing that it was only a dream. Slowly getting up she opened her rice papered door to be greeted by the warm air of summer. Remembering that today was a very special day she quickly got some new clothes and a towel. Being careful not to step on her sisters she opened the door and ran out to where the river was. Taking a quick refreshing shower, she made her way back home.

LynnH said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LynnH said...

Lynn

*Previous

'Okay. Stuff your ears, don’t hear, just erase. Delete, delete.’ Scream. She screams inside her head. Hailey shakes uncontrollably from the mixture of anger and nervousness. Tears filling her eyes, lungs gasping for breath, Hailey walks over to the window. The In her view is the unwelcoming murky sky, and the murky reflection of herself is only to be shown.


*Revised

Tears filling her eyes, lungs gasping for breath, Hailey walks over to the window. In her view is the unwelcoming murky sky, the gray streets, and the lifeless playground--all monochromatic. Her crest-fallen face gleams in the dark, reflecting against the cold glass. Her reflection blankly stares her back, with eyes screaming with lost hope and much pain. Lips shut tightly, hair disheveled, hands streaked with salty tears, looking down is what causes Hailey pain the most--down at the hard ground, or down at herself.

Unknown said...

Before
Waking up in the morning between the tight tensions, it was another day of torture. War has been endlessly carrying on, and now I was sick of it. Waking up, I found out my five years old cousin was missing. I was in charge, so from the cave, I came out for search. Then I heard a gun shot, then a scream. I ran to her, I saw her bleeding. I talked to her,
“Are you okay?”
…no answer
“Are you okay?”
…. No answer
“Are you okay?”
“Run…a…way….”


After
Blood was bleeding continuously; her breath was getting rougher and rougher. It took 5 seconds for a bullet to go through the small body. A gun shot, a scream. I could tell there was another one, another innocent one. But this time it was someone special, my cousin. I couldn’t forgive them, not this one. I had enough of this sick, stupid war that I have nothing involved with, and now they take away my family?
“How did this happen?”
… No answer
“Can you talk? Can you breathe?”
… No answer
“Who the hell did this?”
“Run…..a…way…..”
“What?”
“Run..a…..”
…No answer


**since i'm starting a new story, i just wrote the introduction for now. its just my first draft :(

stephaniey said...

I think my introducation is boring, but i don't think it is really bad ;) I think i need help.
I'm confused.

Old

"i have a 100 won in my pocket. If I had this coin at that time i could've saved a girl's life"

She was 9 years old when the North Korea declared the war. Since the war happened unexpectedly, the whole country was in chaos but fortunately, U.N was helping South Korea. Finaly after 3 years of war, North and South Korea. But even though war ended, people were suffering from everything.

New

“I have a 100 won in my pocket at a moment. If I had this coin at that time, I could’ve saved the girl’s life.”

While I was sitting on my couch with a cup of hot chocolate held in my hands I was wondering about what these words’ meant when my grandmother started her story. She was 9 years old when North Korea declared the Korean War. Since the war happened unexpectedly, the whole country was in chaos. Fortunately, since her father was a general at the main base camp, she was able to stay in a safer and better environment than other citizens. During that period of history, U.N. confirmed to help the South Korea since they craved for democracy. After three years of long blood thirst war, North Korea and South Korea made an armistice to divide the country into two parts; South Korea and North Korea. Even though the war had ended, people were suffering from the aftermath of war.

juliary said...

Before:
It was April 25th, 1955. The weather was warm and mild. It was a perfect day for Soo-mi and Sung-su’s wedding day. They were both 20 years old and they have never met before until their wedding day. It was their parents’ decision to get them married. The parents prepared everything for their wedding and even found out their best date for the wedding. Soo-mi only had chance to see her husband through a picture before the wedding and had no choice but to accept her parents’ decision.

After:
“Grandma Grandma! I missed your smell, and the fresh air, and your bed time story! Tell me one!”

“Okay darling, lay on my knees so that you could go sleep while listening to the story. It’s pretty late.”

It was April 25th, 1955. The weather was warm and mild. It was a perfect day for Soo-mi and Sung-su’s wedding day. They were both 20 years old and they have never met before until their wedding day. It was their parents’ decision to get them married. The parents prepared everything for their wedding and even found out their best date for the wedding. Soo-mi only had chance to see her husband through a picture before the wedding and had no choice but to accept her parents’ decision.

dabinL said...

DABIN LEE's introduction


[New]

Silence dominated the whole room; a smothered cry of a man started to break down the silence; yet his weak weeping slowly dissovled. Then, another silence visited the room. A long necktie hanging on the ceiling. "I am sorry." said the man. No one--not even himself--heard his faint voice. Standing on a chair, facing the hanging necktie, the man drooped his bathed in thick tears. This is it, this is the end, he thought. Yes, that was it, that was his end--a departure with no second chance of returning. His ending--serable and pathetic--was not the way the man had expected when he marked his beginning--full of energy with brightness.




[Old]

Splitting the silence of the morning, an alarm bell opened the eyes of a man. Before the bell even rang for the second time, the man pushed down the button, turning it off, with a light kiss on the woman still dreaming next to him. As the man's lips gently touched her forehead, with her eyes closed, she muttered a few words--not even sure whether they were words--that the man could understand none of.

Anonymous said...

Michelle L

OLD:
One sunny morning, Heather and Jack—a lovely married couple with one child—sat down to have their daily morning meal. Heather, in her gown with an apron over it, was cooking while Jack, wearing a matching gown, was reading the morning paper.

“Jack…Your mother keeps calling asking about out next child.”

“Honey, I know. I’m trying my best too; it’s just that things don’t always happen the way we want it to. You should know that,” Jack replied.

NEW:
Clink! Clink!
The sounds of dishes washing overflowed the house each morning. As Jack read the morning paper, he could see the back of his wife at the counter cooking his breakfast. Her droopy shoulders explained more than a thousand words. As he let out a loud sigh, she turned around and smiled.

“Good morning. Jack…Your mother called again.”

“Honey, I know. I’m trying my best too; it’s just that things don’t always happen the way we want it to. You know that,” Jack replied.

“Yes, well…” Heather began to answer.

Anonymous said...

Sarah Oh
[first]
Looking at it, gave me chills. This letter was the key to my future: the thing that told me what I would become… It was like opening my fortune cookie to see what the future had in hold for me. But most importantly it would show if my father would still accept me as his son. This was that certain letter I have been waiting for months for. In fine print, it read: Oxford University. This was the acceptance letter to my dream (or father’s) college. I took a deep breath and opened the letter; slowly just incase it would say that I was rejected if I opened it to fast. Making sure that every corner was un-tattered, every edge smooth without a rip. Finally opening the envelope I let in a warm breeze of air into my lungs filling up my body slowly with the oxygen to make up for the time I was holding my breath. As my hands were shaking uncontrollably as if I was undergoing an earthquake it took most of my manpower to keep my hands straight, I took out the letter…

[drafted]
Looking at the letter i felt spiders crawl up my spine. I felt the quavering of my body as it shook back and forth inch by inch. Who would believe that this letter was the key to my future: the thing that told me what I would become… Like opening my fortune cookie I felt both nervous and excited at the same time. Too many mixed emotions made it impossible to know how I was feeling. But most importantly it would show if my father would still accept me as his son. This was that certain letter I have been waiting for months for. In fine print, it read: Oxford University. This was the acceptance letter to my dream (or father’s) college. I took a deep breath and opened the letter; slowly. It was perfection that I chose to reach, just incase it would say that I was rejected if I opened it to fast. Making sure that every corner was un-tattered, every edge smooth without a rip. Finally opening the envelope I let in a warm breeze of air into my lungs filling up my body slowly with the oxygen to make up for the time I was holding my breath. As my hands were shaking uncontrollably as if I was undergoing an earthquake it took most of my manpower to keep my hands straight, I took out the letter…

Anonymous said...

francesH

BEFORE

I have a friend of mine named
Susan. We share many things in common. We were both born in the same city in Seoul and we go to the same high school. ; and we both don't have siblings. However, when she told me about her grandfather, I found the most significant common thing in both of us; our grandparents had the same tragic background; they came to South Korea together, crossed the 38 parallel line during the Korean War.

AFTER
Do you have a friend who shares so many common things with you? - well, I do. I have a friend named Susan, and we are so alike. We share many things together not only our secrets but also we have so many things in common that sometimes freak us out. First, we were born in the same place on the same day, and we've went to the same schools from elementary; we also don't have siblings of our own so we are like siblings of each other. Okay, we can tell me that some other people would share these stuffs also but we have something special that no one else can share like us; our grandfathers. Both of our grandfathers came from the same town in North Korea, and they croseed the 38 parallel line together during the Korean War.

Anonymous said...

LaurenL

before revision:There's one thing that westernization can't affect. It is a Korean custom to have rituals/ceremonies to honor ancestors at either their birthday or Korea’s national holidays; such as Chusok and the New Years Eve. Korean families visit mostly their father’s side grandparents and if they have time, visit the mother’s side parents as well.

after revision: Culture is something that nothing can change. Having ceremonies for the passed away is a tradition, deeply rooted in Korea. Those ceremonies are held in either their birthdays or national holidays; such as Lunar New Year's Eve.

Anonymous said...

HoJun Jee

First Draft

One day a new student who’s gullible stepped into the school of hell. “Hi! What’s your name?” “Where do you live?” He always talked in this way to every single classmate from the first day of school.



Revised Draft

One day a thirteen-year-old boy stepped into the Helen High School, which is also known as “Hell High.” Like all new students, he was anxious about fitting in.


I like my introduction because it has all the elements in it.

Anonymous said...

Continued.... HOJUN JEE

Before i edited, it seemed a bit childish; however, after improving it didn't really look childish. By adding some words, changing the descriptions, and taking out dialogues.

Serendipity said...

BEFORE

It was the spring of 1950, and it was also when Korea was divided in half. I was the oldest daughter in a family of five; my father and my mother, my brother and my sister, and we were poverty-stricken but safely sheltered in a shack in *Kyeong-ju. I was 15 years old and my parents were approaching their mid 40’s. And it just so happened to be that my father was a habitual drinker that never came home early. He would occasionally beat us, and even worse, never contribute a single penny for our livelihood.

AFTER

"Cock-a-doodle.”: As the rooster cackles,
The blustery winds of spring drops to a gentle breeze.

As the breeze puffs out the spirit through my room, my room swarms with the spirit of wind. Wind softly, gently, swims through my body, but the spirit dims out—-to god knows where.

And I wake up.

It was the spring of 1950, and it was also when Korea was divided in half. I was the oldest daughter in a family of five; my father and my mother, my brother and my sister, and we were poverty-stricken but safely sheltered in a shack in *Kyeong-ju. I was 15 years old and my parents were approaching their mid 40’s. And it just so happened to be that my father was a habitual drinker that never came home early. He would occasionally beat us, and even worse, never contribute a single penny for our livelihood.

Unknown said...

At the age of five, she experienced something she'd never forget. Although she was only a child, she could remember almost every single details of events that happened that night. That night changed her future - a life in capitalism and the free world, as a successful mother and a respectable wife.

Unknown said...

This one is before I fixed it:

First draft:

The 9 o’clock news, which I became addicted to by the help of my grandfather, was again showing the starvation problems in North Korea. Although the complicated news vocabularies were too difficult for a five year old to understand, I kept on hearing the word ‘North Korea’ and ‘people dying of starvation’. I didn’t really know what was going on. All I could tell is that my grandfather looked angry, and my grandmother looked quite sad as she sat down with fruits placed above her lap, ready to peel off their skin.




Second draft:

She was only five - innocent, young, little, and pretty.

Anonymous said...

Minhyo M
First Draft Intro:
This story was reminded by watching a drama on a tv with a student getting beaten by a teacher. Yes i was in elementary then, third grade, about five months before flying to US. My elementary days were literally shiny, but also very very busy

Third Draft Intro:
“What a day” as I said, walking back home with sore fingers and legs. I thought about what I did that was so wrong that I had to go through this kind of humiliation and shame.

It was during the third grade of elementary, about five months before flying to US. My elementary days were literally like an animal getting chased down by some deadly creature; as I was chased by hakwons, and activities to make up rest of the half semester in Korean school. This was when I learned that time was precious.

I see a lot of difference -0-

Anonymous said...

Josephine Lee
Before:
Kil Young Ja.
She was just the age of us,which is probably about 15 or 16, when the war started.
It is called the 625. It is also called the Forgotten War, which is originally the Korean War.

...Not much of an intro....

After:
The sound of crickets could be heard. Young Ja didn't know if she'd ever heard her neighborhood this quite.
"Young Ja! Come quickly and pack all that you can! There's a rumor that the North Koreans are going to come down again!"
As usual, mother was overreacting. Little did she know that it wasn't just a drama, it was becoming real.

Anonymous said...

Sharon C.

My beginning:

(before)

Four years ago, a big misery came to their happy family. Mrs. Park got sick and passed away, leaving the young baby and Mr. Park. For years, Mr. Park didn't accept his wife's absence. He was always drunk and didn't take care of his son very well. So, his son got to learned to take care of himself and got matured at early age.
Then, last year, after the happening at playground, Mr. Park promised himself to accept the present and move on. He set goals: find a job, give his son a best education, and he himself fill in both mother's and father's place for his son.

(After)

Four years ago, a great sorrow came to their happy family. Mrs. Park got sick and passed away, leaving a young baby and Mr. Park. For years, Mr. Park could not accept his wife's death. He was drunk and didn't take care of his son very well, so his son learned to take care of himself and matured at an early age. Last year, after what happened at the playground, Mr. Park promised himself to move. AS a rare treat, Mr Park had taken his son to the park that day. He let his son play while he sat waching on a nearby bench.

Anonymous said...

BEFORE
Five years ago, I had a father. Four years ago, I did not see him anywhere. Three years ago, I could not find him. Two years ago, I tired from searching. One year ago, I gave up. I wasn't quite sure of his whereabouts. I believe he left without notice some time at the end of 6th grade..

AFTER
The tears stored up in my eyes were destined to fall; all hopes of my father returning, were doing the same.The absence of my father was hard to cope with. The first year he was missing, things were still a complete shock.The second year, and the years following it, things eased but the absence was steadily building itself into the heavy tears in my eyes, into the heavy boulders left on my shoulders. All of my early life, I never understood where he, my father, had gone.

Anonymous said...

Kenny K
Introduction
Title: Korea meets his friend named USA

(Old one)
He thought he was a fool, a loser, and a piece of rubbish in this world. He was not just an ordinary Korean, but he was known as a Korean that is not even friendly with his own race. His name was Jayhoo Kim who was born in Seoul, Korea and his family decided to take him to the States. The boy didn't know anything about the United States not even about the people and their customs. At least he knew how to speak a little bit of english when he was in Korea. Finally when he arrived, he thought he was in outer space or someplace. But, don't think as if Jayhoo doesn't know anything because this was the time when he was very young.

{New one)
What did he do? Why is he being forced to go someplace else? The boy Jayhoo Kim, was taken to the states to learn and make friends there. Jayhoo thinks learning and making friends are easy. But, the result was different from what he expected. He wishes to get rid of his sorrows and have happiness for once. All of his family smiles except for Jayhoo. Only Jayhoo can make his own grin by himself. The goal of Jayhoo--peace.

Anonymous said...

Andrew L

old intro:
Jeremy Kim returned to Korea from the states since his father's job as an exchange-professor has ended. He lived in the states for his whole life. In Korea, he will be attending to an international school, in sophomore grade, starting in the second semester. His English was perfect; Korean, good enough. He was a relatively short yet fit boy.


sorry but I can't think of a new intro better than this myself. Give me some ideas.

Anonymous said...

1st draft intro:

Jeremy Kim returned to Korea from the states since his father's job as an exchange-professor has ended. He lived in the states for his whole life. In Korea, he will be attending to an international school, in sophomore grade starting in the second semester. His English was perfect, and also his Korean was good enough to have some conversations.

His first day of school was perfectly normal and he noticed that most of them were Asians. As expected, every student made short introductions of themselves. Jeremy's turn came.

3rd draft intro:

Jeremy Kim returned to Korea from the states since his father's job as an exchange-professor has ended. He lived in the states for his whole life. In Korea, he will be attending to an international school, in sophomore grade, starting in the second semester. His English was perfect; Korean, good enough. He was a relatively short yet fit boy.

He hoped he had a normal and plain first day of school. He got to school, and sat in a seat at the edge of the row. As expected, every student made short introductions of themselves because the teacher made them to. Jeremy's turn came.

"Hi, my name is Jeremy Kim, and it's first time in Korea--I just arrived about two weeks ago. my favorite bands are Ellegarden and Avenged Sevenfold, yeah, and I play lots of sports, and I can play the piano. That's it."

Anonymous said...

PolaS
Before:
A long time ago, there was a very warm hearted and kind woodcutter living in a small mountain village. That sunny and beautiful day the woodcutter went to the tavern and was drinking as if he were happy, but also sad.

After:
Below the sky, a forest on the mountain appears. Following through the trees, a pond clear enough to see the bottom appears and passing the pond and the trees which some are cut down, a small house that is made of mud and hay and is old. Passing the old little house, down the mountain, see a small village, and a tavern at the edge close to the mountain. In the tavern and on one of the tables is a man that has a arm strong enough to cut down a wood in one hit, sits and is having a drink with eyes that are sad, but a mouth that is smiling.

Unknown said...

He just lied there, on his tiny, little bed ... Staring up at the ceiling... He was tired yet no sleep would comfort him. He turned his head towards a mirror and saw a reflection of himself with the light provided by the star-filled sky.
He stared at his own reflection as if he was in search of something...
His eyes seemed as if it has lost its life-- only sadness and distress took place of all other emotions. Glistening with little but tormenting tears, he closed his eyes and allowed the tears to flow down his face. He couldn't believe how much it ached...

The above was my opening since the very first of my draft...

And frankly I quite like it...^^

Tell me if you have any suggestions for improvement...

nobody is perfect... :]

Anonymous said...

Before
Once in a normal Korean household there was a little boy named Billy(8) who was a kind obedient son. With a small head topped with jet black hair, Billy was relatively small for his age. His life was full of happiness, love, and without worry. Life was perfect and nothing could have gotten better. But, everything changes when he first goes to school.

After
Billy was going to die. His father approached him with a skinny golf club and started to beat Billy's back with it. With each hit Billy spat out blood and waited for it too stop. He then heard his mother coming home from the grocery store . He whispered "Mom help me!" But his mother ignored him and put the groceries into the refrigerator.

It all started when.........

Anonymous said...

above was done by jeffrey ahn

Anonymous said...

Before editing

Early in the morning of January 6th, 2006, Paul reluctantly woke up. His mom was shaking his shoulders and telling him to wake up, which made him extremely annoyed.
"Mom! Let me sleep a little more! No need to hurry!" Paul moaned.
"Paul! Don't you remember? You have to go to Global Leaders Camp today!" Mom said while she was forcing Paul to stand up.
"Oh my god.... That's today? I don't want to go! Why should I spend my precious vacation in a "STUDYING" camp?"
"Oh, be quiet! I told you that you won't feel like that when you arrive there! Believe me!" Mom coaxed Paul.

It's kind of strange to say this, but I like my intro. I've always wanted to start a story with conflict dialogues.....


Paul C

If you have suggestions, please feel free to talk to me. Just leave your thoughts on discussion page...

Big G said...

1. Well I like my intro but I guess it can improve.

2.
Old one
This is the place!"
"I really think we should go back."
Hyunsoon Mok and Tosa Kim entered the building labelled " Roral PC Chamber- a place where Fantasy becomes reality". Hyunsoon and Tora were not very popular. So they were desperate to get to the top. Then Tora, Hyunsoon's best friend got the news that joining the gangters were one of the ways to get popular. So Tora and Hyunsoon are here in front of a gangsters base.

New one

"This is the place!"
"I really think we should go back."
Hyunsoon Mok and Tora Kim entered the building labelled " Royal PC Chamber- a place where all your Fantasies come to reality". Hyunsoon and Tora were not very popular. So they were desperate to get to the top. Then Tora, Hyunsoon's best friend, got the news that joining the gangsters were one of the ways to get popular. So Tora and Hyunsoon are here in front of a gangsters base.

Very little change I know.

HyungmoC said...

My Intro

'What day....... What day is it today?' A 14 years old teenage boy just woke up from deep but short sleep. For him, what day didn't matter. It's just an another day. Everyday he felt the same. He only saw a day as just sunrise and sunset nothing more. The boy was still fatigue from long day yesterday. For being in cram school for four hours after school, it was no question why he was so tired. Looking at the mirrors in his bathroom, he found his eyes half shut and around there were black round shades which was the result of long work. The boy kept looking at pimple covered face and evaluated himself not so ugly and not so attractive. After taking some quick showers, he changed himself into school uniform. One thing the boy liked about going to school was that he didn't need to think what to wear. He wanted to avoid any thinkings in the morning as possible. As he finally stepped out to school he sighed. The boy expected this day to be just the same.

To be honest I like my own intro..... I'm sure there is some pat that is lacking so if you find any please make some suggestions^^

Anonymous said...

It was a bright Sunday morning .... Jisung was rubbing his eyes cause of the bright sun . Today was the day when he had a food competition . This competition was a very big event . All the good chefs from around the world will be serving there countrie's cultural food for 1million dollars .New

Jisung was late on a hot sunday morning . His alarm clock broke down .. He was hesitating . He had to go to Busan in 4hours and he wasn't dressed yet . He stretched and yawned . He ran to the club station smelling the stinge from his hair which he didn't wash for 2 days ..... He bought the ticket and got on the long train .

Anonymous said...

up joon shik

Anonymous said...

Brian Shin

[BEFORE]
Chris is a 13 year old boy but is attending middle school because he was born in Jan, he is a 'C~B' student. Chris was born in the states, raised their and attended elementary school for about 1~2 years(He's not sure about how long he's attended) Came to Korea, attended Korean school for 5 years and is registered to middle school. Today's his first day at school.

[AFTER]
"These days I'm kind of feeling like I miss the teachers slapping my face... It's too boring here" Said Chris. "What!? Are you crazy? That makes me hate going school and also be sacared of all the adults in the world;;" Said Jason, Chris's friend. "I mean... I just miss korean school... The culture like that... I think we were atleast comfortable with the teachers... Don't you agree?" Chris reminds is like in Korean School. There were lots of bad memories but he still kind of misses it. (The Story starts)

Today's his first day at school.~~~~

Anonymous said...

old
“Ding-dong”
“Who is it?”
“It’s me mom I am back from school!”
“Ok, come in quickly have that snack and go to the hak-won’
“Ok... mom…”
Tim Lee, a thirteen years old boy, has two nightmares a day called hak-won. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, he has math and English. On Tuesday and Thursday, he has Korean and Science.
Everyday is no real difference for him. It is just Hak-won after school.

new

“Ding-dong”
The bell rings and our poor boy Tim comes in so exhausted from school. Tim Lee, just thirteen years old boy, who just has graduated from elementary school has two nightmares a day called hak-won. For Monday, Wednesday and Friday, he has math and English. On Tuesday and Thursday, he has Korean and Science.
Everyday is no real difference for him. It is just Hak-won after school.

John Lee

Anonymous said...

before:
He was born in Korea. His name is Jae. His dad works for Samsung, one of the top companies in Korea. His dad’s name is Joe. He lived a normal life in Korea until the age of 4, when his family moved to Korea’s neighbor country, Japan due to his father’s job.


After:
"Dad, where are we going?" asked Jae.
"We're moving to Japan, Jae. Don't worry, it's going to be all right." answered Joe.
The naive child who has only lived 4 years, is flying to another country, causing an early change in his life. However, it wasn't just Jae who was feeling a great change...

Anonymous said...

Before:
Long time ago in Korea, there was a 17 years old girl who was so pretty that everyone wanted to marry her. However, the only thing that did not satisfy her family was poverty. She had two older brothers who were grown ups. Those bothers were so selfish that they decided to give her away in marriage to a wealthy old man, so that they didn’t starve.

After:
“Haha, so… we’re in one family, right?”

“Yea, we’re in one family.”

“Great! Then let’s celebrate! Enjoy the party!”

“By the way, when are you going to marry my sister?”

“Maybe next month, next week, or tomorrow.”

“Okay… I guess tomorrow will be okay”
The two brothers unwillingly met this old man who will become a family member. The two brother’s face smiled with a deep depressed emotion inside. They didn’t want to let their sister to marry this old man, but they had to. They didn’t even have money to afford themselves food the next day. These brothers were like a mouse in front of cat. They had to listen what the old man says, and if they dissatisfy the old man, then he won’t marry their sister, and they will starve to death.
-ilwon

demondays said...

I have a scar that's not quite visible right now because it's now 6years after the accident. I was born in Colorado and only lived their till 3 and mostly lived in Korea. Though, my family and I, liked to visit Colorado very often. 3rd grade, we decided to go to Colorado again, visiting my old house and staying in the hotel for 1 month. Everyone knows how it feels when, you are back from a long vacation and you see a bed right in front of you. And especially, when i was 3rd grade, not yet matured but has purity and likes to fool around, after long trip in the plane, when we arrived to the hotel, I rushed into the bed and dived my whole body into it just like my favourite wrestler's finishing move spear by goldberg.

A sign of V which was marked in my forehead long time ago might not be visible now, but the vision of that accident is still inside my head till now. I was born in Colorado and only lived their till 3 and mostly lived in Korea. Though, my family and I, liked to visit Colorado very often. 3rd grade, we decided to go to Colorado again, visiting my old house and staying in the hotel for 1 month. Everyone knows how it feels when, you are back from a long vacation and you see a bed right in front of you. And especially, when i was 3rd grade, not yet matured but has purity and likes to fool around, after long trip in the plane, when we arrived to the hotel, I rushed into the bed and dived my whole body into it just like my favourite wrestler's finishing move spear by goldberg.

Michelle said...

Old:

I was ten years old and in the fourth grade when I got into the biggest fight about the littlest thing with my best friend at the time. Her name was Taylor, and we were the best of friends ever since we first met in kindergarten.

New:

When I was ten years old, fun, friends, and happiness was always on my mind. Going to fourth grade with all of my friends could not have been any better. I always looked forward to playing soccer during recess or having snack time with my class. But, there was one day when there was no bone in my body that wanted to play soccer or eat anything at all.

Herena said...

Intro 1: I bid a farewell to my lost last week of summer vacation as I stormed into the bus, stomping exaggeratedly on each stair. It wasn’t a yellow school bus that I was getting into, that sealed away my last 7 days of freedom, but a white church van; and the heavy weight on my shoulders was not due to a backpack crammed with textbooks and binders, but a duffle bag packed to the point of bursting with a week’s worth of clothes and other necessities. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m going to camp. No, not camp, I’m going to a Korean Christian Youth Retreat to “spiritually bond” with about 50 bible thumper spawn ranging from ages 9-17 from my church.

Intro 2: I bid a farewell to my lost last week of summer vacation as I stormed into the bus, [stomping exaggeratedly on each stair]. It wasn’t a yellow school bus that I was getting into that sealed away my last 7 days of freedom, but a white church van; and the heavy weight on my shoulders was not due to a backpack crammed with textbooks and binders, but a duffle bag packed to the point of bursting with [a week’s worth of clothes and other necessities]. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m going to camp. No, not camp, I’m going to a Korean Christian Youth Retreat to “spiritually bond” with about 50 bible thumper spawn ranging from ages 9-17 from my church. Truth be told, I'd rather be riding to school. A completely lost week of summer vaction is better than the tauts of a could-have-been-enjoyed-week-ruined-by-a-stupid-retreat.

*The stuff in brackets are things I want to change but am not sure what to change it into.

Blaine B said...

First intro

A magazine. A stupid magazine got Kenny into so much trouble. You see, one day, he’s in his sister's store to pick up her paycheck. A new issue of Sports Illustrated catches his eye. It had his favorite baseball team on the cover, The New York Yankees. "Can the Yankees make another title run?" is the headline. Kenny wants it so badly. Even though it should come in the mail in a couple days, he needs to read it. Kenny sticks his hand into his pocket, and takes out some money. Then, Kenny thinks to himself, wouldn't it be thrilling to steal the thing?

New intro

A magazine. Who would have thought that it would change Kenny's life forever. You see, one day, he’s in his sister's store to pick up her paycheck. A new issue of Sports Illustrated catches his eye. It had his favorite baseball team on the cover, The New York Yankees. "Can the Yankees make another title run?" is the headline. Kenny wants it so badly. Even though it should come in the mail in a couple days, he needs to read it. Kenny sticks his hand into his pocket, and grabbed some money. Then, Kenny thinks to himself, wouldn't it be thrilling to steal the thing? I mean, what an adrenaline rush. Nobody’s looking, right? So, he turns his head from side to side over and over again, making sure there’s no one watching, snatches the magazine and tucks it under his shirt. Kenny saunters towards the door, his heart beating a mile a minute. He feels sweat pouring down his neck down his spine. I really hope I don't get caught, Kenny thinks to himself, if my parents find out I stole something, they will skin me alive. Aw man, I really regret taking this stupid thing.